I Won't Give Up

Clearly Jason Mraz was not writing about international adoption in this song...but something about it gives me emotional turret's syndrome when I hear it on my playlist at the gym. I have been going to three different gyms lately so that the people won't think I'm nuts at one. True story.

For some reason this song makes me think of our children that are not yet home. Somewhere out there. Maybe born already, maybe not. Seriously, I realize that is not what the song is about but give me a break. I'm an emotional basket case lately and if something like expired breast milk that I pumped for our child in Rwanda thinking they would be home to drink it makes me cry...this song sure does.

I'm not going to give up on bringing our children home. Whichever country they might be in. Whenever in God's plan it is supposed to happen. The end.



And another one mentioned by a fellow adoptive mom.

Heeeeeere we go again

Another week.

I think I can, I think I can.

Man, after last week of waiting/hoping/hearing rumors/not hearing anything from our agency/etc. when Andrew got home Friday night I literally felt as tired as I did when I was 41 weeks pregnant with Elliot. Thought I was going to just collapse. I think all of the emotions and uncertainty combined with having to run for over an hour on the blasted treadmill to keep the anxiety at bay is starting to wear me down.

But, we had a pretty relaxing weekend and I'm geared up for yet another week of most likely not hearing anything but that slight possibility of maybe hearing something meaning that my heart will have palpitations every. single. time. that I check my email until close of business in Rwanda.

A good friend of mine that has had her sweet daughter home from Rwanda since October sent me a message just now saying that she had a dream that we were both in Rwanda along with Khloe Kardashian picking up our babies. Kim was there too but was making us mad so we took our babies and ran through the African streets away from her.

If I had a dollar for every one of my friends that has told me lately that they had a dream that we got our referral I'd have...5 dollars. Still. Seems like a lot of  people having that dream considering I haven't had a dream about our baby in Rwanda for about 6 month. Sad. I used to dream about her (Always a girl in my dreams even though we don't know if it will be or not) all the time.

Okay, enough of my Sunday ramblings. Thinking about and praying for all of my fellow adopting mamas that are hopefully feeling just as crazy as me right now because I really don't want to be alone in my craziness. Also thinking about those sweet babies over there who will hopefully get to go home soon.

Up in my Tulip Poplar

When I was in Kindergarten or 1st grade, I got in a bit of a bike crash with one of my best friends. We had the very smart idea to tie our bikes together and ride as fast as we could down her driveway. In my memory it was the biggest hill on the face of the Earth. Whenever I am in Paducah, KY and drive past the house though...it wasn't quite that big. I think they leveled it off in the past couple of decades (yeah, right).

Anyway, I know you will be shocked to hear that we did indeed crash at the bottom of said mountainous hill. Luckily no bones were broken. We did get pretty scraped up though. I was never the type of kid to run to my mama when I got hurt. I was very into sports so I did get hurt quite a bit. My poor mom. I'm pretty sure she absolutely  hated this about me because she is the epitome of 'mama bear' and always wanted to take care of us. Right, mom? That was your true joy in life? Fixing our boo boos? No? Oh...well, I digress.

Anyway, we crashed and while my friend undoubtedly ran home to get fixed up, I promptly climbed up in the big Tulip Poplar in our front yard to hide. Lest anyone would want to fawn over me and fix my bleeding knees/arms/face/etc.

I distinctly remember our old neighbor who always walked his old toy poodle finding me and trying to coax me down. Pretty soon there was a slew of people, including my poor mother, trying to get me to get out of the tree. I have no idea how long it took them but eventually I came down.

The first time I rode the horse that I got in the 5th grade, he threw me through a fence. He was awesome, but a bit on the wild side. I think the first thought that went through my head was, "I'm so glad dad is here instead of mom because she would be FREAKING OUT!" I just wanted to get right back on and continue on my business.

I'm making a short story very long here. My point is that I feel like I am way up in a Tulip Poplar right now. I have been emotionally ragged with this adoption but I don't want people to see me like this. Totally not saying that if you cry in front of your kids or husband or friends/family, that it's a bad thing by any means! This is just my personality. Good or bad, that's what I'm stuck with. Even my husband, I can't even count how many times during the past couple of years I have gone to bed and rolled away from him crying hoping that he wouldn't hear my sobs. I have no idea why I am like that but it's just me.

I am doing Beth Moore's James Bible study right now. If you haven't done it, I HIGHLY recommend it. We had it this morning and afterwards it's about a 30 minute drive home. A miracle happened and both kiddos fell asleep on the way home. I just melted down. It's like my body knows when it's safe. I felt like a freak driving down the road crying but honestly it just felt good to get it out.

This is such an emotionally intense season. The adoption feels like it is literally hanging on by a tiny little thread and there is nothing I can do to control it that a good cry was just what I needed.

I have no idea how many times I have told Andrew, "I literally can't do this anymore. I just can't handle it. I am DONE!" but then I keep going because I have a child out there and I want them to come home whether it is from Rwanda or if God closes that door and leads us somewhere else.

Wow. I don't know what the point of this blog is other than to make everybody think I'm coo coo, but it's my outlet so there ya go. Sorry if you wasted your time thinking it would actually be about horticulture.

Also, if you attend my Y and see me running like a bat out of h$%^ on the treadmill and I go over the hour time limit...it's in your best interest to not try to kick me off till I'm done. Thanks :)

March 5

It's March 5 tomorrow! Lucky #5??  Tomorrow also marks mine and Andrew's 7th wedding anniversary. Lucky #7!?!?  It also marks month 11 since our approval. Lucky #11!!/!?!

Hoping the luck trifecta works in our favor.

Let's hope tomorrow brings some referrals!

Can I get an amen???

Also, the Rwandan adoption family has started another time of group prayer. We did this during the summer when the 6 month regret letters went out. Please join us every Sunday night at 9 PM EST to pray that God moves mountains and families are united with their Rwandan children soon.

Also please pray for my sweet friend whose file was closed in Rwanda. My heart breaks for her and I hope to see God bring her children to her soon.

112

I am 112 weeks paper pregnant. Still can't tell if it's a boy or girl yet.

I haven't heard of any referrals out of Rwanda since October sooooooo I think it's time!

I keep thinking how a Valentine's Day referral would be special :) If not then I guess I'll be able to drown my sorrows in chocolate pretty easily :)

One day this will seem funny....right??

You know how every time your phone dings that you have a new email you think, "This is it. My child's face is going to be in a picture in my inbox!"

And then it turns out to be an email from Target featuring their current sales items.

Or a notification that somebody has in fact repinned something that you pinned on Pinterest last week.

For a year?

Truly riveting stuff but not quite the same thing as seeing my child's face for the first time.
If you are not on this Rwandan adoption train right now and don't really know how this might feel, here is a little visual for you.

Imagine that you are 40 weeks pregnant. You start having contractions and go to the hospital only to find out that you're not in labor, the baby was just trying to let you know that Kohl's is having a sale on activewear.

Not quite the same thing but you get the idea.
You do this for a year and wonder why you still have any sanity left in your head?

On Valentine's Day it will be a whole year since we heard the awesome phrase, "Your file is being reviewed at the ministry!"

We thought surely we would see our child's face in 3 months or less. From a year ago.

Anybody else wish they had a saw the overall picture of God's plan for this adoption. Just a sneak peak as to which year it was actually going to happen? I'm going to go ahead and say, ME!! Can you tell it's Friday again by the tone of my blog?

Breathe in, breathe out.

Blankie

First of all. I am clearly not a perfectionist nor a seamstress.

I have wanted to make some blankies for my sweet one in Rwanda for a long time but seeing as I can barely thread my machine I have put it off.

I had the impossible to ignore desire to do SOMETHING...ANYTHING for our little one so far away today. So, I put on my sewing girl panties and got to work.

We walked into the craft store and Griffin yelled, "I love this store!" He got the attention of all the jealous women who probably have to fight their 3 year olds to go there. Little secret...they give free balloons in the back and that, my friends, is what he loves. Magic.

I made two blankies in the Rwandan flag colors. They look pretty boy'ish so if we get a girlie then I will have get her name embroidered on it in pink or something.

The little one is finished and looks...um....like I did it myself. Which is appropriate I guess. I won't get my feelings hurt if it ends up "lost" in a closet or something. It's the thought that counts. It will go in the little corner of the nursery where all things for our Rwandan babe go. It might be a fun little snugglie though.

The bigger one is almost done but I am thinking I will wait until my mother in law comes in to town later this month before I attempt to finish it. Don't want to totally ruin it...she may be able to salvage it for me...nudge...wink wink...JJ??